"Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness, And rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:18-19
God is taking me on a journey of trust and walking into the unknown without looking back, without doubting or questioning or asking why. It was so easy for me to walk in faith and obedience, taking a leap of faith and just going when he said go. But 14 months later I'm asking myself a few questions, second guessing. That's not something I usually do! It has me in a bit of a stoop. But God is faithful and I am handing it over to Him, laying it down. He knows exactly.
He knows my love for my former home. He knows my love for the exact placement and perfection of where we were placed. I let it all go. Loaded the moving truck and off we went. And now 14 months later, still living with my parents here in the new place, and completely unaware of what lies ahead. I have no plan. Gasp.
Friends ask when we're going to buy our own place. Well-meaning strangers probably find it interesting when I invite them over to my home for some lemonade come summer and a get-together.. and oh by the way my parents live here too.
Living with my family is all part of it. I see healing living here. My kids have a Papa around when their dad works all evenings and weekends. They go to Huskies college football games, a few Seahawks games, Mariner's games, go to the gym together to shoot hoops. It is very sweet. Annabel of course loves living with her Nana it is unspeakable how sweet those two are together. And seeing them day after day with their special looks to one another, priceless!
And yet here came Thanksgiving, and I wanted to fly back to my home in another state, but wait we sold it. I wanted to journey back to my home, watch the snow fall out our huge southwest facing picture windows, snuggle by the fire and play Christmas music. But wait, we actually brought money to closing and essentially gifted this home to someone else. I knew at the time that I was looking at it like a gift. I knew the equity would go way up. I knew they were getting a great deal. I knew what it was worth, more than monetary value, I knew the friendships, relationships, family friendly community and I knew how I could picture my kids growing up there and spending the next twelve + years there until college and building church community and living life with our big oak trees out back and tire swing I imagined in my mind hanging from that tree.
Life. It's all good. I can see both sides. I can see what was there, and I know too what has occurred here. I know the friendships I have made here, the people we have met at church, the people in our neighborhood and community here - lifelong friendships, friendships for the kids.
But here I am at the holidays, and I want a place to call my own. I want to paint all the walls white, keep everything polished and clean and play Christmas music all day and re-arrange the furniture however I want any day. Don't get me wrong, I do that here too. And I have total support. :) Well pretty much, but somehow it's just not the same. I want my home to be a reflection of me. I tried living here 14 months without that, just tried to live in someone else's home if that makes sense. But I've learned something, and that is that it's ok to want to make a space beautiful. It's ok to want to maximize and transform and perfect and beautify! I love to do those things and even more so I love to see the finished result and live in a beautiful, clean, finished space!
So where to go from here? Handing it to Jesus, because he knows friends. He knows right where you're at, and right where I'm at. I sure I hope I didn't make a wrong decision, but I can't look back now. Only press on ahead into the unknown. Life is an adventure. I am thankful for Seattle Children's Hospital last January when Annabel was in the ICU for ten days. We needed to be here then. I am thankful for the very first day at church here when we immediately were introduced to the exact people who continue to be our friends today and who we look forward to doing life with. I am thankful for my family, love that we get to do life with them every day after fifteen years of being in another state. So joyful, thankful and blessed to have them near. Thankful for the mission today, and the mission ahead. I know there's a plan, and I know it's good! We just don't always get to see it all unfold immediately. Who knows the plans, but God does. And I trust him most. The same God who brought me to Uganda 34-36 weeks pregnant to adopt my son, the same God who took a subchorionic hemorrhage and healed it for my sweet girl to survive in the womb, the same God who created life inside of me when doctors said it wasn't possible, the same God who moved mountains to get our embassy appointment in Uganda, have all the witnesses show up with impeccable timing, the same God who parted the red sea for my children to come home, the same God who gave me the son, my first born, who I prayed and prayed for, the same God who was with me through so many months of staring at those pregnancy tests with sadness, the same God who walked me through the valley of the shadow of death and miscarriages, the same God who led each step of the way through our whole adoption process and home buying process and home designing process, he is with me today. Leading the way. Doing his thing. He is unchanging. Always the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow.
Thankful for the unknown.
Praising him tonight.